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Estimated time to read: 6 minutes
Well don’t fret! I am fully prepared for such an eventuality, and I am willing to share my secrets with you lovely readers!
So with the CDC in America disaster-scoring each city, and realistic films like World War Z being released (watch with caution!), it feels like everyone is preparing for this. Matt Mogk, the founder of the Zombie Research Society (which is a REAL thing by the way!) has said it is “not a matter of if, but when”. He says the zombie plague may not be for 100 years, or it could be tomorrow, we just don’t know, so it’s best to be prepared. Now the ZRS website is full of great tips and has over 350,000 members, with experts like an active US Navy officer, and a Harvard Medical School Professor (not kidding!)
The ZRS starts with the rule of three; stating you wouldn’t survive 3 minutes without air (no shocker there), 3 hours without shelter, 3 days without water and 3 weeks without food (pretty sure this is less for me, I start feeling funny when I haven’t eaten for 2 hours!). However in my expert opinion, my first top tip is to watch the film Zombieland, if you are reading this after the apocalypse started, well tough luck, you should have watched it when you could have, Woody Harrelson was hysterical, you really missed out!
Anyway let’s read on and make sure we aren’t zombie fodder in one of our luxury holiday homes…
It’s always about food with me, we know this. On a Darwin Escapes holiday break you can enjoy the glorious food from many of our delicious restaurants. This is still the case even after the zombie plague, just pop on over to the kitchens, avoiding those pesky brain eaters, and sit back and relax while enjoying a 3 course, 5 Star, meal. If you want something to take back to your luxury zombie safe house, drop into one of our on-park shops, all of them hold the essentials to get you through – and a few luxuries to indulge in too. Take a stroll back to your safe haven and cook up a storm in the fully fitted kitchen. Don’t forget the washing powder, we even have washer/dryers in some, so you can stay clean and presentable, should any other survivors pop over for a cuppa! As for water, well put some bowls on your lovely, private, outdoor decking area to gather up that falling rain. The classy decking is also a great place to start your post-apocalyptic herb garden! Don’t forget to use some mesh wire to keep those zombie hands off your grub!
So in this situation our amazing Go Active resorts are in luck, with a selection of bow and arrows and crossbows floating around, there is a great supply of personal safety weapons here! And there are even testing ranges to make sure you don’t take any eyes out of the living too (please don’t touch these unless there is a zombie apocalypse though folks, we do still have health and safety!). For those not in the Go Active resorts, don’t panic, everything around you is a potential weapon! Every stunning holiday home holds a fire extinguisher or two, this is a great battering ram for those up close fights with undead, as well as a great fire safety feature! All our lovely holiday homes come fully equipped with everything you need for self catering holidays, including frying pans – again great personal safety weapons, turn that zombie face into a pancake face! To protect yourself during the zombie scuffles, why not grab the toilet seat for a first class and luxurious shield (again don’t do this until the zombie plague! We still need to use the toilet until then!). Now our holiday homes do sometimes have bottled gas – this should be conserved to keep you warm, however you can use a little to create a fire to get rid of the annoying zombies (please be careful, fire is just as dangerous as the zombie – if there is no zombie DO NOT TOUCH this gas bottle!)
Yes you need a safe location for a zombie safe house, but it also has to be comfy and have some luxuries or you’re going to be completely bored! Our luxury holiday homes are very safe, secure and easy to barricade from unwanted zombie visitors. But we also have some great luxuries, from the little things like a dishwasher (who wants to wash the dishes with a apocalypse going on?). To full sized baths so you can have a relaxing bubble bath, and showers to keep extra clean (just because it’s the zombie plague, doesn’t mean your hygiene has to slip!). We also have great luxuries like flat screen TVs with Freeview, (to keep up to date on the zombie information) DVD players to curl up and watch a film, a selection of board games, iPod docking stations and even some games consoles. You can sit on the sofa playing your favourite game or watching you favourite movie, with the curtains closed so you don’t see the zombie fella outside trying to join your party (he might like Beauty and the Beast too!). At our brand new Woodside Bay Lodge Retreat we even have our one-of-a-kind tree house accommodations, perfect balance of luxury, with a glorious view from the decking area, and safety, being tucked away in the tree tops on the Isle of Wight (probably away from all the mainland zombie chaos). This stunning resort will open in 2016, let’s hope the zombie plague holds off until then!
Okay so if you’re sitting in the spacious, beautifully designed and decorated living area of your holiday home, and you find the zombie’s just wont leave you alone, there are a few back up plans. If you didn’t watch Zombieland you were clearly not taking this possibility seriously, and it’s impressive you made it this far (kudos!) So the first thing you need to do is grab the frying pan from the kitchen (not just for tasty bacon guys!) and then run to hide in the ensuite, it’s the safest place because nobody will think a holiday home will have an ensuite, but a Darwin Escapes luxury holiday home does! (we don’t just give you the great holidays folks!) And if all else fails, run to the on-park Spa, get a face mask (green or grey colour is best) paint your face, stick your arms out in front of you and blend in, go make some new friends!
We need to check Facebook regularly, and if you hear it on the radio/TV it is not a prank! Get yourself down to a Darwin Escapes luxury holiday home as soon as possible. Watch Zombieland, make sure you create a herb garden and water station on your private decking area, close the curtains on nosey zombies who want to watch your movie on the flat screen TV, hide in the ensuite (nobody will find you!). And if all else fails, use a face pack to blend in and make some new buddies – start practicing your zombie moan now!
Darwin Escapes giving you luxury UK holidays and keeping you safe from brain-eating zombies!
Good Luck and Happy Adventuring Ladies and Gents!
Disclaimer – not all holiday homes and resorts offer all of the luxuries mentioned, make sure you check zombie-proofing amenities before you book
Darwin (North West) Limited is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority (FRN 732836). These companies are appointed representatives of Darwin (North West) Limited: Aberconwy Limited, Darwin (Cheddar Woods) Limited, Darwin (Hawkchurch Country Park) Limited, Darwin (Piran Meadows) Limited & Darwin (Swanage Bay View) Limited